Choice Language

The language we use, both casually and deliberately, has proven to have a deeper significance when it comes to the emotional health of ourselves and those around us.

Unless you are living with a disability that dictates otherwise, we – as the human race – choose our words. Sometimes we choose them too quickly, and we haven’t thought about the broader impact they may carry. Sometimes we choose words specifically as a tool to hit a direct emotional target. Regardless of the intention (or lack thereof), at the most microscopic level, our brains and hearts have decided to say the things we do.

Casual use of any discriminatory language, even if not directly being used to dominate or demean another person, can still suggest that the behaviour of using the language is permissible.

This week Jezebel released a fantastic article and video from Wisconsin news anchor Jennifer Livingston, responding to a viewer email which stated: 

“It's unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed to witness that your physical condition hasn't improved for many years. Surely you don't consider yourself a suitable example for this community's young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain. I leave you this note hoping that you'll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle.” 

Here is Ms. Livingston’s brilliant response:

In the video Ms. Livingston states: 

“Now I am a grown woman, and luckily for me, I have a very thick skin — literally, as that email pointed out, and otherwise. That man's words mean nothing to me. But what really angers me about this is there are children who don't know better… The internet has become a weapon. Our schools have become a battleground. And this behaviour is learned. It is passed down from people like the man who wrote me that email. If you are at home, and you are talking about the fat newslady, guess what? Your children are probably going to go to school and call someone fat. We need to teach our kids how to be kind, not critical, and we need to do that by example.” 

Children have to decipher what’s appropriate or not by navigating the influences of their parents/family, peers, educators, the media and society at large. That’s no easy task, for an extremely impressionable mind. Are you being mindful of the permissions you are subtly granting the children around you? 

 

October marks National Bullying Prevention Month. There are a multitude of organizations, such as GLSEN, GLAAD,  The Trevor Project, the Born This Way Foundation, who are spending millions of dollars to actively dismantle the bullying culture.

Bullies can be easily identified: they are those that choose language specifically to harm. However, what about those who casually use discriminatory language with no real hurtful intentions?

I was left a bit dismayed when reading a recent article released from GOOD magazine about the meaning and variety of uses for the word “gay”. When I first came across the article, my initial thought was that I was going to find a piece dedicated to derailing the casual use of the phrase “that’s so gay.”

To my unwanted surprise, the writer suggested the issues that arise from using the term “gay” in a negative connotation, would dissipate should we as a society accept the next shift in language when it comes to the definition of the word. That the casual use of the phrase “that’s so gay” is really just to point out that something is of off-kilter in a negative way, having nothing to do with sexual orientation. The writer cautions that perhaps, just perhaps, gay people are being a touch oversensitive. 

It always amazes me when people question “political correctness”. What many deem as “political correctness”, I simply view as very basic respect.

I have a rather simple theory: if I know that there is someone who validly would rather I not use certain terminology as it depicts their demographic in an inferior light, regardless of my intention, I’m not going to use it. Not just “do my best” to remember; I’m going to actively remove the terminology from my lexicon. 

De-contextualization is complicated. If this is your goal in using derogatory terminology than what else are you doing to promote your cause? Are you creating petitions? Are you starting a real social movement? Just tossing in the phrase “that’s so gay” in casual conversation is nothing short of lazy.

It’s your right to feel, think and speak any way you choose. But allowing yourself to be verbally harmful intentionally is criminal. Allowing yourself to be unintentionally harmful is truculent. 

“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.“ – Ludwig Wittegenstein
 

FYI: NoHomophobes.com has launched a running ticker of twitter updates that use the following terms. Between July 5th, 2012 and October 2nd, 2012:

• The word “Faggot” had been tweeted 2,690,629 times.
• The phrase “So Gay” had been tweeted 960,073 times.
• The phrase “No homo” had been tweeted 902,891 times.
• The term “Dyke” had been tweeted 371,165.

Shanah Tovah: The Tradition of a New Beginning

Sunset of September 25th, 2012 will mark Yom Kippur, the beginning of the holiest and most solemn day of the year for the Jewish population.  This “Day of Atonement”, carries essential themes of atonement and repentance. Often spending most of the day in synagogue services, Jews traditionally observe this holy day with a 25-hour period of fasting and intensive prayer. Yom Kippur completes the annual period known in Judaism as the High Holy Days, which began with Rosh Hashanah at sunset this past Sunday, September 16th, 2012.

Rosh Hashanah, which literally translates to, "head of the year", is the Jewish New Year. It is the first of autumns High Holy Days, also known asthe "Days of Awe".  Rosh Hashanah is celebrated on the first two days of Tishrei, the seventh month ofthe Hebrew calendar.It is described in the Torah as “Yom Teru'ah”, a day of sounding the shofar, which is traditionally made of a ram’s horn. Rosh Hashanah customs include sounding the shofar and eating symbolic foods such as apples dipped in honey.

Yom Kippur is the tenth day of the month of Tishrei. According to Jewish tradition, G-d inscribes each person's fate for the coming year into the Bookof Life on Rosh Hashanah, and waits until Yom Kippur to "seal" theverdict. During the Days of Awe, the Jewish community tries to amend his or her behaviour and seek forgiveness for wrongs done against G-d (bein adam leMakom) and against other human beings (bein adam lechavero). The evening and day ofYom Kippur are set aside for public and private petitions, and confessions of guilt (Vidui). At the end of Yom Kippur, one considers oneself absolved by G-d.

The Yom Kippur prayer service includes several unique aspects. One is the actual number of prayer services. Unlike a regular day, which has three prayer services, or a Shabbat or Yom Tov, which have four prayer services, Yom Kippurhas five prayer services: Ma'ariv, the evening prayer; Shacharit, the morning prayer; Mussaf, the additional prayer; Mincha, the afternoon prayer; and Ne'ilah, the closing prayer. The prayer services also include a public confession of sins (Vidui) and a unique prayer dedicated to the special Yom Kippur avodah (service) of the Kohen Gadol in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem.

As Yom Kippur is a complete Sabbath; no work can be performed on that day. Additionally, Jews refrain from eating and drinking (even water) on Yom Kippur. It is a complete, 25-hour fast beginning before sunset on the evening before Yom Kippur and ending after nightfall on the day of Yom Kippur. The Talmud also specifies additional restrictions that are less well-known: washing and bathing, anointing one's body (with cosmetics, deodorants, etc.), wearing leather shoes (Orthodox Jews routinely wear canvas sneakers under their dressclothes on Yom Kippur), and engaging in sexual relations are all prohibited onYom Kippur.

As always, any of these restrictions can be lifted where a threat to life or health is involved. In fact, children under the age of nine and women in childbirth (from the time labour begins until three days after birth) are not permitted to fast, even if they want to. Older children and women from the third to the seventh day after childbirth are permitted to fast, but are permitted to break the fast if they feel the need to do so. People with other illnesses should consult a physician and a rabbi for advice.

It is customary to wear white on Yom Kippur, which symbolizes purity and callsto mind the promise that one’s sins should be wiped away.  Some that follow the Jewish faith also believe that humans are compared to angels on this day. It is customary to not wear gold jewellery as gold serves as a reminder of sins associated with the golden calf, a story passed down among the Jewish community.

While the day of Yom Kippur is the most solemn of the year, an undertone of joy suffuses it. It’s a joy that revels in the spirituality of the day, which expresses the confidence that G-d will accept repentance, forgive sins, and seal a verdict for a year of life, health and happiness. The closing Neilah service climaxes in the resounding cries of "Hear OIsrael... G-d is one."   There is then an eruption of song and dance, followed by a single blast of the shofar. The service is capped with the traditional proclamation: “Next year in Jerusalem." which is then followed by a festive after-fast meal, turning the evening after Yom Kippur into its own festival.

Shanah Tovah (“a good year”) to all of Global Learning’s Jewish family, friends, neighbors and colleagues!

“Peace, peace to the far and to the near! “  - Isaiah 57.19

Where Are You Leading Us?

As a society, we have developed the practice of choosing leaders to maintain what we hope will be high-quality efficiency in our workplaces and our communities. The goal of any leader should not only be to always maintain productivity, but to also continuously strive to seek it.  

When political leaders utilize social platforms that seek to remove rights from law-abiding  individuals, I must question: how is this efficient or productive? 

Last Tuesday, the province of Quebec elected Pauline Marois of the Parti Quebecois as the first female premier in its history. My “fellow Canadian female leadership” hat is tipped to her for such an achievement. However, Ms. Marois’ position on diversity has certainly given me pause for concern, as she has wandered into my professional arena.

Marois balanced her victory on a platform that sought - and could potentially succeed in - removing all religious references and attire from all provincial institutions. This would include turbans, head scarves, and even yarmulkes. Excluded from the list of religious symbols: the crucifix, as one hangs at the National Assembly and has been deemed of historical significance.

I’m a big fan of empathy and the act of envisioning the experience of others. 

Imagine this, if you will:

It’s your first day of work with the province of Quebec,where you will answer phone calls from the public at the Attorney General’s office. Upon your arrival, you are greeted by a young man clothed with a turban. He treats you with respect and does everything he can to make sure you feel comfortable on your first day. He even makes it his job to introduce you to the rest of the team. Not once does he ever say anything religious, let alone regarding his own faith. 

Does this man’s turban or actions in any way, shape or form:

• prohibit you from doing your job?
• prohibit you from freely expressing yourself?
• place you in any danger?

The answer is no.

Why would a leader such as Pauline Marois seek to oppress personal identities for political gain? 

What is the point?

The only point to invoke such laws is to make those who are uncomfortable with difference feel more comfortable.  

This is unproductive and inefficient.

Our global history is fraught with examples, teaching us that oppression will only lead us, at best, to short-lived functionality.  There will always be a break in the system caused by the mental strain of resentment. These cracks inevitably carry with them a firestorm of financial loss and extreme emotional damage.

We cannot, however, sit back and only shake our fists at the leaders we have elected to follow. 

As constituents of any society we must look at these situations with deep understanding. The more people choose to align themselves with any leader, the louder that leader’s voice becomes.  

What does this mean? If you choose to follow, promote, vote for a leader who is actively seeking to deny equal rights to any law-abiding individual, you are choosing to promote oppression. 

This is your right. But what will this do for the future of your community? What lesson will younger generations learn from such actions?

Say you were invited to three parties on the same evening. Each party has a very specific set of criteria required to attend it.

With your physical, mental and fiscal well being in mind, which party would you choose?

The party where:

• You are welcome as you are, but all that is expected of you is that you abide by the law.  
• You are welcome, but only if you alter yourself to be similar to everyone else and, if you don’t, it’s against the law.
• You are not welcome at all. Just being you is against the law.

I firmly stand for you and your right as an individual to follow whichever leader - and attend whichever party - you feel makes the most sense to your life’s journey.  But you must always recognize the proven dangers when following a leader that seeks to oppress law-abiding citizens.

Leadership on the grounds of oppression will inevitably result in an outcome that contains fear, tension, and distress.

I ask again: how is promoting the oppression of law-abiding constituents’ efficient leadership? 

The answer is and will always be: it’s not.

“He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself.” -Thomas Paine

Respectfully Different

My house is generally THE house when it comes to my children and their friends. Ample room for sleep-overs, a stocked fridge, and one very present cool mom, who is just cool enough to not mind having around, but still firm enough to be on top of any youthful shenanigans. 

One of the beautiful summer evenings we had this year, I found myself sitting in my backyard, reading a book - a rarity in my ever-filled timeline. All of the sudden, as if my house had been turned into a bowling alley, I heard the thumping of twenty-year-olds charging in my direction, clearly on a mission.

“Mom! Hey Mom!? Where are you?” Out the backdoor pops my daughter and one of her college friends, visiting for the weekend. I adore my children’s friends: I’m fortunate that they each have found themselves entangled with a group of awesome, intelligent, thoughtful people, with vision, drive and - what I love most - manners.

Turns out they had a situation they wanted to run by me and get my “professional diversity opinion”, as they put it.

Here’s a bit of background information, that I already knew going into this conversation:

The young man with my daughter, we’ll call him Sam, in the last several years, boldly, proudly and happily came out of the closet as a gay man. Sam’s family has been incredible with the news. You hear so many stories of loved ones turning their backs on their LGBT family member; to be able to witness the exact opposite is nothing short of heartwarming. Sam’s entire family even accompanied him to this year’s Montreal Pride this past weekend. The Facebook pictures from that day alone clearly display just how much this family proudly loves this young man for all that he is.

Sam soon found out, unfortunately, that he couldn’t assume to find that same love from everyone in his life - even though he certainly deserves to.

The following situation led him to seek my advice.

Sam and his best friend “Frank” have known one another since grade 4. When Frank was new to town, Sam invited him to bicycle through the neighborhood. They were inseparable from that day until the day they each left for different colleges on opposite sides of Canada. Have no fear: like Sam’s family, Frank welcomed his coming out with open arms.

Frank’s father, on the other hand, felt differently. You may ask why Sam would care what his friend Frank’s dad thinks, but as the boys were inseparable for so many years, Sam grew to become an extension of Frank’s family, as Frank did of Sam’s. 

Frank’s father had coached the boy’s little league team, driven them to the movies on countless Friday nights, and always remembered that Sam doesn’t eat red meat, so there was always chicken prepared just for him at any family BBQ. Frank’s father always made Sam feel welcome and safe.

After seeing a Facebook notification that he was now in a relationship with another man, Frank’s father decided to “un-friend” Sam, both literally and figuratively. Also out of what he felt was respect, he sent Sam the following note:

“Sam,

Congratulations on seeking out who you feel you should be and your new relationship. Due to the changes in your life and my very specific and personal beliefs, I must ask you to not return to my home. I’ll always be grateful for the times you spent with my son and family. I wish you no ill-will and a happy life. But I cannot allow you in my home if you continue to live the lifestyle you have chosen. I can only hope you understand the depth of your choices.

All my best,

(Frank’s Dad)”

Nothing like polite discrimination.

Sam was crushed. This was the first backlash of any sort he had experienced in regards to his coming out. Coming out while he was in college was a wonderful experience for him because he was surrounded with welcoming people and safe spaces. His coming out had been such a positive experience that to receive this note from someone he cared for deeply, sincerely rattled him.

That being said, he has a smart enough head on his shoulders to know that there is nothing wrong with him and that his sexuality is by no means a lifestyle choice. He sees that these issues lie with Frank’s father and not with him.    

The reason Sam and my daughter approached me that night was to ask me my opinion on whether or not Sam should reach back to Frank’s father, or just let him go.

I could see in Sam’s eyes that there was (and still is) so much wrapped up in his emotions: everything from a feeling of betrayal to his new-found pride on being a part of the LGBT community. 

What jumps out at me in this instance is the fact that Frank’s father very clearly stated what he wanted; and that while hurtful, he seemed to be trying to be as polite and respectful as possible under the circumstances.

I am certainly not saying that it makes his discriminatory views acceptable. 

What this man did is nothing short of crummy. How anyone could turn away from a child that you watched grow, your own or not, is beyond me. But as long as he is not actively trying to oppress Sam from his legal rights, Frank’s father has every right to his closed-minded and sure-to-be-lonely opinion.

What did Sam hope to gain by reaching out to Frank’s dad? He felt that it was important for Frank’s dad to know that he felt his views were discriminatory and harmful.

I made mention that it seems Frank’s dad already knew those things, and that he actually attempted to spare what feelings he could.

Not wanting to ever discourage anyone from speaking up for themselves, I told Sam that I supported him reaching out to Frank’s dad. My recommendation was for him to write a note back. That night, the three of us drafted a response from Sam. Actually Sam and my daughter drafted it, I just read it over and helped punch it up before they pressed the send button.

In the end, Sam let Frank’s father know that he was hurt and disappointed. That he hoped at some point in time he will reconsider his views and that his door is always open to discuss the situation. Sam also let him know that he will respect his wishes.

I chose to share this story because I found the concept of having such an intense exchange done respectfully as a lesson of sorts.

Diversity can certainly stir a variety of emotions. Taking the time to focus on how we respectfully communicate those different emotions is where true social change happens.

“To be one, to be united is a great thing. But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater." -   Bono

Being Accountweetable

I know, I know; “Accountweetable” is a bit cutesy. However the art of being “accountweetable” may not be as silly as it sounds.

I define being “accountweetable” as “being accountable for your social media postings; not only for the things you say, but also to whom you say them."

More and more, we see our community leaders – be they thought, organizational or political leaders – joining the ranks of those utilizing social media outlets such as Twitter to amplify their visions of a better world.

With this new form and ever-emergent leadership practice, even the highest profile leaders may not see that their presence in such social spaces extends their leadership responsibilities – in ways they may not be prepared for.

One of our team members here at Global Learning is an avid tweeter on their own time, and uses the space not to build a brand, but to actually be social.

Recently, they experienced an interesting occurrence that solidified my understanding of the importance in remaining accountable – or accountweetable – if you are a public leader engaging in social media.

To spare the long details of a short story:

While walking their dog, our self-tweeting staffer came across a community safety concern. Without thinking twice, they tweeted their local representative about the issue, thinking it to be a conveniently casual way to let the representative and their office know what was happening within their district. This representative is also quite active on Twitter and they had actually exchanged positive tweets with our staff member regarding another subject in the past. Through a social media platform, the representative is clearly listening and responding when they feel appropriate.

Our team member didn’t fully expect a response. While not the most proactive act of leadership from the representative, a lack of response in this situation could easily be overlooked.

Here’s where this situation goes awry and is blatant proof that there are more people listening than you think.

Instead of getting a response from the representative, our team member was shockingly inundated with discriminatory tweets from a group of local cyber-bully tweeters, who apparently disagree with our staffer’s safety concerns. In each of these discriminatory messages, the representative’s handle - @<insertnamehere> - was also included.

Our staffer chose not to respond, as many of us in the social media arena have learned never to engage with bullies. But sadly the vile minutiae continued throughout the day and into the evening, with a sporadic classless quip or two thrown in during the middle of the night.

Upon checking their email in the morning, not only was there no response from the representative, but they had also been ‘unfollowed’ by the representative.

Coming into work and filling us all in, our staffer expressed an existent malaise regarding the situation. For some reason they were having a hard time letting go of the fact that the representative never reached out and “unfollowed” them.

Although not quite sure as to what the representative might say, they felt as though they had just been bullied in a schoolyard while the teacher just stood there and then walked away.

So I ask: Does this social media behaviour represent accountable leadership?

Our staffer is a tax-paying, community-driven, social changer with a pleasant disposition. They represent any number of team members in a wide variety of situations. They are the exact type of person that any leader would want on their side and helping to promote their leadership goals. Yet here they are left feeling abandoned to some extent.

Knowing this person well, I can safely say, they will not be sitting at home at night, crying because they have been “unfollowed” by a local politician. Which isn’t to say that they’re actually aren’t people out there who would have a more emotional reaction to such a situation. In fact, it’s the existence of these people and their use of social media for connectivity that we must consider most when engaging in social media as a leader.

 
 Bottom line: If you are going to put yourself out there, stamp yourself with the word “leader”, and offer an open line of communication, then you must think thoroughly. And you must be “accountweetable”.

If you are going to be there, then be there.

 “Responsibility's like a string we can only see the middle of.  Both ends are out of sight.” ~William McFee, Casuals of the Sea, 1916