Hard to believe I
know, but yes, all of us at one time or another can be offensive. Unfortunately,
offending one another is just part of human nature: intentional or
unintentional; for any number of reasons, in a variety of ways. Regardless of
the reasons, all of us have the capacity to offend anyone at any time without
even knowing it.
We should, of
course, take the time and care to do our best to avoid these situations; but we
should also be prepared to deal with them as they arrive. There is a direct line
between how we deal with the aftermath of offending one another and business
effectiveness.
As a leader, if
we offend one of our team members, we must understand the impact behind all of the
decisions made in the process of handling the situation. Your goal as a leader
should be to dissipate the situation, but to do so in a manner so that the fix
is permanent and all parties involved leave feeling respectfully heard.
Be sure to not
question your accuser’s feelings. You may question their reasoning, but their
emotions are their own.
My suggestion is
to always choose empathy. You very well may not have meant to hurt anyone.
However, if you take responsibility for leaving someone feeling ill-at-ease and
you wish to do anything you can to mend the situation, it displays that you
clearly care for the mental health of your team. Additionally, you show that
you honour their word and that you wish to be held accountable for your actions.
When we know we
have done everything with positive intentions and someone still steps forward
as being offended by our words or actions, instinct might pull us to become
defensive. When we are told we are being offensive, it may seem that our honour
is being questioned. If we become overly defensive, however, it could open the
gates for more possibilities to offend those around us. Identifying our own
personal defensiveness can be key to dismantling conflict, before it mutates
into an even greater problem.
Here are three
common yet negative examples of responses often given to employees who speak
out when they feel offended by their leader:
No one else has said anything.
I have sadly
heard this time and time again from employers handling employee grievance
issues. That this one employee was the
only person that spoke up, so they feel it shouldn’t really account for
much. By doing this you are isolating
your employee, who by feeling offended has already felt isolated by you as a
leader. And there is no dictionary that would define ‘offensive’ with the
caveat “only if more than one person says so.” One of the many things that
diversity has taught us is that we all experience the same things in many
different ways. Certain occurrences mean more to some than others. By
insinuating that the offensive situation is just in the one employee’s mind,
the employer may cause psychological damage and could create a paranoid work
environment for an employee who potentially didn’t feel that way to begin
with.
I’m sorry that you feel offended.
You might as well
finish that sentence up with “but I still don’t think I did anything wrong.”
By saying that
you are sorry that the person feels offended does not take responsibility for your
words or actions. It only offers the employee a sense of pity, and suggests
that you believe their negative feelings are a personal problem. Even though
you have uttered the word “sorry”, this does not constitute an apology for
offending the other person.
Other people complimented me.
That may be, but one
woman’s trash is another man’s treasure, and vice versa. You have to honour the
person telling you that what you have said has offended them, just as much as
you are willing to readily honour those who complimented you. Reacting this way
comes across as if you are operating with blinders that deflect all negative
perspectives, even if they have validity.
Our teams are
made up of individuals. We must treat them as such and nothing less. Yes, we
are in business to make money. We need people, both as team members and consumers
in order to make that happen. Money is certainly a numbers game, and the number
of people we engage with most definitely plays into the amount of money we
make.
But at the end of
the day, the individuals that work for and with us on a daily basis are not
numbers; they are people. They are dignified human beings who signed onto your
leadership journey in order to help sustain their livelihood. That decision
deserves to be treated with nothing but respect and care by you as a leader at
every turn.
How would I
recommend responding when an employee tells you that you have offended them?:
“I’m very sorry
that I or anything I have said has offended you. What can I do to make the
situation better for you?”
“Few people can see genius in someone who
has offended them.”
-Robertson Davies
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